Learning to gain confidence in social situations and deal with others' reactions is an important skill for anyone with a disfigurement. Here's a guide to dealing with facial disfigurement.
If you have an abnormal appearance, it's common for others to look at you in ways you're not necessarily happy about.
Helen Smith of Changing Faces, a charity that supports people with facial disfigurement, says: "It can feel like you're in a show or a play. Other people's stares and questions can be intrusive, and this can be difficult to deal with."
It's understandable that you might want to avoid situations that make you nervous. However, avoiding challenging situations won't alleviate your fears; instead, it can increase your stress. This will further undermine your self-confidence and prevent you from getting the most out of your life.
It's essential to learn effective skills that will help you feel confident in all types of social situations and deal with others' reactions to your disfigurement, says Helen.
It can be helpful to have a set of responses ready to use when others stare at you or ask you questions about your appearance. Read on for more information.
Positive Body Language
As humans, many of our interactions don't involve talking. Think about what your body language is saying.
Maintaining eye contact, shaking hands firmly, remembering people's names, speaking in a confident tone, and standing up straight with your shoulders down are all positive forms of communication.
Learning and practicing some coping skills can help you feel more confident in social situations.
"It's important to have a variety of ways to respond to questions, depending on the situation and your overall mood," says Smith. "Sometimes you don't want to have to explain your birth control for the third time this morning."
Think about past times when you handled a situation well and times when you might have reacted differently.
To answer questions about your appearance, prepare different ways to respond to others. Then, if someone asks you about your disfigurement, you can use the answer that seems most appropriate at the time.
In some situations, you may find it helpful to bring up your disfigurement to make it easier for others if they seem curious. This gives you control over the situation and stops you from stressing out while waiting for others to bring it up.
Carl Cox, 32, believes this approach helped her deal with her hairdresser. She says, "I always wore my hair down to hide a large part of my disfigurement, so going to a new hairdresser was stressful for me because I didn't know how they would react when they pulled my hair back and saw what was underneath. It could make me feel really nervous, and maybe even uncomfortable."
One day, about 10 years ago, I thought, "This has got to stop." I decided I needed a strategy, and I came up with a line to say, accompanied by a confident smile, to my new hairstylist at the beginning of the meeting.
The line was, "I just want you to know that I have a lot of scarring on the left side of my face, but don't worry; it's not new or painful for me. I just wanted to give you a heads-up so you wouldn't be surprised."
Carl found this simple strategy successful, taking the initiative and eliminating any stress from the situation. She says, "The feedback I received was always reassuring, and I didn't have to deal with any further questions about my face. Going to the hairstylist has now become a habit, not an ordeal."
How to deal with staring
When others ask you about your face, don't assume they're hostile. The vast majority are simply curious or even concerned, just like you.
If someone is staring at you and you want to stop them, look behind you, smile, and stare at them for a few moments. The person will then smile back and look away.
If the staring continues, look back and look at them, raising your eyebrows to show them you've noticed their stare.
If you do decide to say something, you can use several different approaches:
- "Hello" (this lets them know you've noticed their stare)
- "I'd rather you didn't stare" (this is a direct and pointed approach)
- "If my appearance bothers you, it doesn't bother me" (this is a confident and pointed approach, and it also suggests that the person staring is the one with a problem)
- "Your admiring looks are starting to embarrass me!" (Confident and playful)
- It's clear we've met before. You can't seem to take your eyes off me. (Playful, but it suggests this behavior is intrusive and inappropriate.)
Helen says: It might be better to have a quick and effective response so that no one starts a discussion or even
Continue practicing coping skills
If you're worried about forgetting your answer, write it down and keep it in your wallet or purse. This way, you can refresh your memory from time to time, says Helen.
You may find it helpful to think of different ways to answer the same question and either close the topic or continue the discussion. For example:
- I burned myself when I was young. It was a long time ago. I don't want to talk about it now (short and clear).
- I burned myself when I was young, and fortunately, fire sirens have helped reduce the number of injuries (a method that demonstrates your confidence and facilitates conversation, but encourages more general discussion than purely personal discussion).
- I burned myself when I was young and I'm going to have plastic surgery soon. They're going to take tissue from my leg... (a method that demonstrates your confidence and willingness to discuss personal details).
Helen says, "Learning strategies like these is a skill in itself. It takes time and effort before they begin to feel truly natural."
She adds, "Things don't always work out the way you want them to. Take time to discover what works for you and what doesn't.
Talk to your friends or family about difficult times and listen to their support and advice.
If you adhere to these tips, you'll increase your chances of having more positive social experiences, which will boost your self-confidence and self-esteem."
Facial deformities in the workplace
The Equality Act 2010 protects people with severe disfigurements from discrimination in interviews and in the workplace.
But when the charity Changing Faces asked people about their working lives, their responses revealed the following:
- 43% said they decided not to apply for a job because they thought their face was unattractive, compared to 4% of those without unusual facial features.
- More than a fifth (22%) were told by an interviewer they wouldn't get the job because of their appearance.
- Nearly half (46%) said the interviewer expressed discomfort with their appearance.
- 55% believed their colleagues had treated them differently.
This research led to the launch of the Changing Faces (What Success Looks Like) campaign in 2014, which aims to provide employers with the best workplace guidance and advice for people with disabilities who may be struggling to find work.